To the Boy Who Loved Me When I Couldn’t Love Myself

I often find myself thinking of you and all of the good you brought to my life. I don’t regret our relationship, not even the slightest amount. But, I do regret not being the person you deserved. I wish I could’ve allowed you to love me, rather than pushing you away. I wish I could’ve let you know how much I appreciated your endless efforts to help me. I wish I hadn’t let anxiety and depression drive me away from the person who was willing to love me through it.

When things started to get bad, you didn’t run. You didn’t make me feel insane when I’d call you at midnight in a full-blown anxiety attack, and you didn’t mind staying on the phone with me as I wept the entire drive to your house. You held me while I buried my face into your shoulder and soaked your shirt with my tears. You would even crack jokes to try and get me to smile, it always worked. I knew that it hurt you to see me in pain, and I felt guilty. I didn’t want to drag you down with me. So, I tried my best to keep what I was feeling away from you, you didn’t deserve that burden. So I pushed you away.

As depression and anxiety consumed my mind- my self-worth withered to almost nothing. I hated myself, and I didn’t understand why you didn’t too. I told myself that there was no way you could actually love me, why would you? I didn’t deserve you. You were the kindest and most amazingly pleasant and selfless person I knew. It didn’t make sense for you to love me. But, you never stopped trying. I never went a day without a reminder of how beautiful I am. You didn’t give up trying to convince me that I was enough for you. But, I had already convinced myself that someone as good as you couldn’t possibly love someone like me, not for long at least… So, I prepared myself for you to leave, and I distanced myself from you even more so that it wouldn’t hurt as bad when you left. But you held on.

I knew you genuinely wanted to see me get better, to once again be the girl that you’d known and loved for years, the girl that I was sure would never come back. Depression was never present in you life, and I knew that it was difficult for you to understand what I felt. I know that being unable to help tore you apart. I know that you wondered if you weren’t enough for me, but you were more than I could’ve ever hoped for. The frustration grew inside me, I wanted answers, I wanted to know why I felt the way I did, I wanted someone to fix it, I wanted YOU to fix it. I know now how irrational it was for me to expect that of you, but depression and anxiety rarely allowed for rational thoughts. I turned cold towards you.

When you left, I didn’t blame you, not one bit. I would’ve left myself too if I could’ve. I wanted you to be happy, and I knew I couldn’t do that for you. I wish I could’ve loved you the way that you deserved, and I am so sorry. I wish that I could be the person you think of when you think of what love feels like, because you are that person for me. I could never ever repay you for the countless blessings you brought to my life, you truly are one in a million, and I’m so lucky to have shared a part of my life with you. Thank you so much for loving me when I couldn’t love myself.

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